Friday, January 7, 2011

New Years Crossroads

Yesterday, as I looked out the window, the view from my seat was pretty grey. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. The optimism that often overtakes me at the beginning of a new year usually starts to wane right about now as I realize that bridging the gap between self-flagellation (lose weight, save money, quit drinking) and self-improvement (start running, shop less, sobriety) is more complicated than the mere making of resolutions. Like everybody else, I close out the year by taking stock, lamenting over failures and weaknesses, and then begin rigorous plans for self-improvement. I find myself starting sentences with "next year, this is going to change," or, "next year I want to do this..." as if New Year's Eve is some magic portal that I will pass through and come out the other side a different person.

A big New Year's tradition is reading my Mah Jongg tiles. Really, I should wait until February for Chinese New Year, but anticipation usually gets the better of me and I do a reading in late December to see what the year ahead holds. No, I am not crazy - the cards/tiles are often uncannily accurate. I have been doing readings for about 15 years now and I would like to think I have gotten good at recognizing patterns. Usually Lynne and I cast our tiles together and there is always a moment of dread/anticipation as they are flipped: please, no fire or North. Bring on the guardians (protection) and the dragons (luck). This year, I pulled 3 tiles on the lunar eclipse (the blood moon) and they were: the pearl (wealth, when favourably aspected, reckless spending if negative), the carp (usually always good, signifies peace and longevity) and the mushroom (kind of like the Chinese lottery, an extraordinary future occurrence that can be either good or bad).

I am not a big fan of the mushroom - I hate surprises. Even the wording makes me apprehensive: "... it may refer to some future occurrence, as yet unknown, but so extraordinary that the querant will be obliged to recall the oracle's foreknowledge of a remarkable event." Sometimes, the cards/tiles around the mushroom can give clues as to the nature of this remarkable event, other times not. So my future event should have something to do with money (pearl) and peace (carp). The carp signifies extremely favourable results but they will take longer than expected.

Thankfully, the universe did not make me wait long. My window gazing was interrupted by a call from the department telling me that enrollment is low this January and they won't have a class for me to teach. Now I had been kicking around the idea of leaving my teaching job and returning to corporate America due to several opportunities that had come up which looked interesting. But there was always something that made me hesitate and not apply. First of all, academia may not be as lucrative as the corporate world, but it is by no means paltry in the wage department. I have definitely experienced worse. But really what I loved about my job was the complete absence of drama. As I said to Lynne: "no one is trying to fuck me, and no one is trying to fuck me over," which is a huge change from the corporate world. Don't get me wrong, I was no innocent victim; I gave as good as I got in the drama department which was probably the reason I left. I just didn't want to be that person. So, for me, academia has been a pleasant respite where I was able to focus on what I wanted to learn, and who I wanted to become. That is not to say that academia wasn't stressful; the stress is often unimaginable because it is you who you are challenging. Often, I didn't feel smart enough to finish - I constantly worried about hitting my intellectual ceiling. I would read what I wrote, select all, and hit delete in despair. Also, academia can be very isolationist. For my Master's project and my RA, I was given a set of keys and an office and told "see you in April." I'm exaggerating of course, because there is support if you need it; but primarily the work that you do, you accomplish alone. I found myself missing the collaborative process that happens on many corporate teams. I also missed an environment where everyone didn't take themselves so seriously - in business, you can admit what you don't know freely as long as you have a plan to find out the answer. In academia, what you don't know seems to be a source of shame and I could never get my head around that. I found myself wading through a lot of pompous bullshit.

After the phone call, I returned to my post at the window. Now what am I going to do? This year is not starting well. Dental surgeries and unemployment - well, at least we know the pearl was negatively aspected. The mushroom also seems pretty clear. But what about the carp?
I sat there all afternoon in quiet contemplation. Slowly, I started to see that the University not having a class for me might just be the push that I needed. Maybe there is some great job out there for me and I will know how to handle the pressure and the drama better because I know what I want and who I want to be. More importantly, I know what I don't want and who I am not. Perhaps I needed to step away and figure things out and academia gave me a relatively safe place to do that. But that time is over, and I need to move on. I started to feel euphoric - filled with possibility, and strangely, I didn't feel afraid.

The phone rang. It was the department again saying that they had another class that I could teach but it meant longer hours at the same wage. I would not be teaching literature or rhetoric, but strictly English as a language. This would only be for one semester and then I could go back to teaching 140/145. I heard my voice say: "I'm sorry, but I think I am going to have to pass on this. Thank you though."

I returned to the couch and waited for the feelings of apprehension to wash over me. I turned down a good job with great people in the middle of a dicey economy - without discussing it with Rob either. However, the feeling of euphoria didn't depart - it got stronger. And as I sit here typing, it is still here. I feel calm. I'm going to be okay. I worked hard to get to this point and while 2011 might have had a rocky start, there is sure footing on the horizon - I can just feel it.

Ah, there's the carp.